For Pet Lovers

 
To be posted VERY LOW on  the refrigerator door - pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and  Cats:

The dishes with the  paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and  contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my  plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor  do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway  was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the  bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster  than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.   I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping  on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up  in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to  each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know  that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end  to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is  no secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there  and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,   meow, try to turn the  knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I  must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using t he  bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The  proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I  cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted  the following message on our front door:

To  All  Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our  Pets:

1. They live here.   You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off  the furniture. That's why they call it "fur" niture.
3. I like my pets a  lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal.  To  me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours  and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than  kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't  ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when  called
5. Never ask to  drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke  or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear  your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11.  If they get pregnant, you can sell  their children!!
 
 
         
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